So many words come to mind and then they flee just as quickly as they come.
Little one, we were so excited to discover you would be Gabriel’s baby sibling and then our first time to see you on the screen showed you were no longer living. Thanksgiving and Christmas that year were both heartbreaking and cheerful. We missed you and we enjoyed your older brother’s smile and hugs. Though I never saw your face, you were and always will be my baby.
Miriam, you taught me so much, and gave me a love and strength I did not realize I would need again. We had never heard of hydrops fetalis until you entered our lives, and sadly it caused your life to end abruptly. I think of you when I see your sister. I think of how you two would be best friends and fight about everything. After you were born I saw your sweet, beautiful, gentle face for the first time. How I ached to hold you longer, to hold you warm and breathing, to nurse your little body. Now I see you as a kind, loving big sister to your siblings in heaven. A little girl with light brown, soft and wavy hair, dancing around and smiling and laughing everywhere you go.
Aaron, you surprised us with both your life and death, delivered during the spring rains and baseball season. I think you would have been our baseball player, loving being outside hitting the ball over and over again until the sun set each evening. You are strong, brave, and a wise brother. Why you were given and then taken from us right after Miriam I will never understand this side of heaven, but our love for you will remain forever.
Bennett, oh my sweet Bennett. Grieving your death is still so fresh. This week we should be holding your newborn warm body. Instead I sit here in tears with your weighted bear and blanket. Thinking of the “if only’s” and “what if’s”. Why did hydrops have to steal you away too? Your older siblings and parents love you so much. I wish I could have changed the outcome, I wish I could have done more to save you. I cling to knowing that you are being doted on by your silblings, cousin, and grandparents, and held so tightly by our Father in heaven.
Why can’t time just stand still. Just to hold you one more time. I love you, my precious babies.