My sweet Lennon Rhys,
I find myself wanting to write to you often. To share with you the depths of what it feels like to know that I lost you, to hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet face goodbye. I can write about you, about how you made me feel more, live more, try more. I can write about how you changed me, forcing me to rebuild myself around the deep chasm that was created when you left this Earth before me.
When it comes time to write to you though, I always grapple at how exactly to surmise what it has meant to me to be your momma. Tears flow, words do too; but none of them seem adequate to properly convey what it is that my soul needs you to know.
So, I will start here.
I love you with a love that is bigger than words. No amount of time without you has or will change this love.
I miss you. Even though I never got the pleasure of knowing who you would become, I still miss all that you are and all that you should have been.
I am grateful for you. I proudly say that I have four boys when asked, I share you and your love whenever I can and I honor you openly.
I ache for you. I watch your brothers learn and grow and always see the gap between them where you belong. One day, they will meet their loves and marry and start their lives anew and my heart aches because I see how much good your love has done for this world, I just wish the world could have seen it too.
I wish I could have saved you.
So, my sweet Lennon I hope you know these truths and you carry them with you until we meet again. I love you more than I could ever show, that won't stop me from trying though.
Love, your Momma.