- Kristen Samuelson
Dear Child: Jimmie
Updated: Oct 26, 2021
My sweet Jimmie Girl, it’s been six years since our blip of time together on this earth and it astounds me every day how much I could love you more as your father and I parent you from beyond the grave.
This is the first Mother’s Day, in a LONG time, I feel as close to my old self and my new self as I can remember. Looking back at photos of this journey, I no longer see the anger and anxiety in my face. It melts when I get to feel you in the breeze and the warmth of the sun. Our journey as parent and child was created from love and struggle but has brought us to do God's work in healing their broken hearts in knowing they have a kindred spirit in us to hold space. While I could never imagine a life like this, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing…loving you, nurturing you, learning from you, advocating for others and creating beauty out of grief. The universe has blessed me with a gift and tribe of other women who see, support and live this mission too. Some have walked the journey, others have walked along side. I'm grateful to have walked, been walked with and now walk along side them and other families. (Walk on, Walk on with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone).
I'd be lost without you. My life wouldn't make sense without you. I hate that Three Little Birds Pregnancy and Infant Loss exists, but without it, neither would I. The joy and sorrow is a constant dance but without dark, there is no light.
I remember the dark... It's never too far away and can return in an instant to that very moment. But Jimmie, your light is so much brighter. It continues to grow as I parent you from this time and space. And with my own little village to raise her.
Without this pain and sorrow, I wouldn't be your mother. This is the first time in a LONG time, I have felt pure joy, beauty within myself and the softness of who I used to be return. I never thought I'd see her again.
My heart is so full. But still will always be broken. My old self feels like a lifetime ago. I never thought I'd ever feel this way (or any way) again. I've been to the bottom of the emotional well. Most think it's either half empty or half full. But we forget, it's always refillable. Emotions are temporary. Love is forever. Thank you for bringing me back to myself and to others who are helping me heal my heart.
Just like I told your dad, no one will ever forget a girl named Jimmie. Now, you live on through your sister, Beatrix, who we never could have imagined possible. Thank you for teaching me to never give up on love and hope.
Happy Mother's Day. Xoxo